WHEN WILL I MARRY? (4)

Photo by Thomas William on Unsplash

I started writing this piece early in 2016 when I was not yet 29 years old. A dear friend had asked me, “How do you feel knowing that you are approaching 30 and you are not even engaged?” I did not know how to answer. How was I supposed to feel? I told her that I felt normal, no special feeling, good or bad. Her response was, “That’s your problem there. It is not normal. It is a serious issue.”

Is it though? Is it such a bad and undesirable thing to be in one’s thirties without a husband? When I was younger though, I thought it was because of how the ones ahead of me modelled it. Those aunties in their late twenties and early thirties were prayer points, answering altar calls for husbands. Always the aunties, never the uncles. They were desperate to please, to be desired, and many of them settled for men they had no business marrying. I understand them better now. I understand that it was the pressure from family, friends, pulpit, church, media, and everything around them. I understand how they did not want to be the topic of frequent conversations, the source of their parents’ miseries. I understand how they wanted to get rid of the shame and stigma of “spinsterhood” or “singlehood.” They walked their paths before me so that I don’t have to walk them. They made their mistakes so that I don’t have to repeat them. So, I have resolved to model a different type of singlehood, the type that inspires rather than frightens.

God is good. God causes the rain to fall and the sun to shine on both the godly and ungodly. Some wicked people enjoy good health. How many of the richest persons on earth are Christians? Muslims, Hindus, atheists, and practitioners of different religions have happy marriages. Some Christians don’t. The material blessings we enjoy are not evidence of our godliness or close walk with God. They are God’s gifts, and the Giver gives as He pleases.

Just as marriage has its challenges, singlehood could have some pains too. Sometimes, you just want your own person, especially when everyone around you is coupling up. I used to attend this church where during Communion Service, the pastor would ask the couples to feed each other the holy meal, and sometimes, you just realise that you are the only person with nobody to serve you communion in a row! Single women have feelings and desires. Sometimes, we have so much love to give, and it feels like we are going to burst! Sometimes, there are broken relationships that have left us seriously wounded. Sometimes, you just want to be married, and you are disappointed that you are not. God understands. He created us to have those desires to love and be loved. But we live in a fallen world, messed up by sin, and the result is some of our desires will be unfulfilled on this side of eternity, whether we are single or married.

It is not wrong to desire marriage, but it is wrong to be desperate about marriage. You can connect single people to one another, speak a true and kind word about someone you know, counsel them if you think they have prioritised the wrong things. We connect the people in our lives all the time, about business, career, house search, and school search. We say, "I have a friend in Ontario, Canada, I will call them to look out for you," to our loved ones who are relocating. We ask, "Have you tried this Church? It may be a good place for your children," when our people are looking for a church family. We help them look for cheap travel tickets. We connect them to doctors or lawyers or other professionals when they need those services. We give them our meat woman's number. Of course, you can do the same for marriage, with their permission. But don't force these things. Don't make it tiresome to interact with you because you badger us about marriage. And when you have made series of bad connections, could you give it up? Maybe matchmaking isn't your calling.

If I choose a husband because I am watching the clock, I will be making a terrible mistake. I often tell my loved ones who desire that I be married to pray about it instead of worrying for me. If God’s Word is true, shouldn’t we believe it and live by it? Besides being sinful, worry is harmful. Cast your cares on Jesus and leave them there. If the gift of marriage is in God’s plans for me, you had best believe that I will marry. There is nothing and no one as powerful as God, talk less of more powerful, therefore, who or what is it that can thwart God’s purposes for my life?

What are the worst things that can happen to a woman? Is that we never get married or that we never have our own children birthed from our wombs? I don’t think so. I think the worst things that can ever happen not only to a woman but to any human person are these:

1)      1) To live carelessly and not serve God with their lives on earth

2)      2) To be stuck in a miserable marriage with a wicked partner

3)      3) To miss eternity with God.

When it’s all been said and done, the destination of all humans is eternity – with God or in damnation. And there is no marriage or giving away in marriage in that place. What I desire more than anything else is to not waste my life. I do not want to waste my singlehood pining for marriage. God uses everything for our sanctification, including marriage or singlehood. If it is God’s will that I will never be married, so be it!

Something bothers me though, and I need your help. How is a single woman supposed to navigate relationships with men? How do we show genuine interest in men, without them thinking that we have designs on them? Is it impossible for us to genuinely love and care for men as our friends and brothers, without any romantic feelings? Can we not go out to lunch or movies, or have interesting conversations with men without suspicion? Must every interaction with men be laced with romance? Must married women keep their husbands away from us as if we are seductresses waiting to pounce on helpless men? Must unmarried men shun us because they have no romantic interests in us? Are we good for only romance and marriage? Must our only loving male relationships be with our biological family, our fathers, and brothers? Can we not have loving friendships with men, whether they grow to become romantic love and end up in marriage or we just remain great friends for life? When we have conflicting feelings or expectations, can we not have honest conversations and form healthy bonds? Must we walk on eggshells around men? (I am thankful for all the men in my life who make it easy to do life with them, to form bonds with no eggshells between us! As for the stressful ones, may God deliver them.)

I am happy that God sees single women as we truly are. Jesus loves us, this I know. When humans fail us, He is there. He can be our friend in ways that no one else can, holding us through difficult and lonely times, and comforting us in suffering. He also plants people in our lives to love and encourage us (including ramblings like this piece, to remind us that nothing is wrong with us, even though we are not married). A wise friend told me recently that instead of responding with anger, frustration, or shame at our unfulfilled desires, what if we worshipped God instead? What if we thanked God for those desires and asked him to fill the ache inside of us? What if we dance instead?

To the unmarried, I say, rejoice with those who are married. Rejoice with them as they celebrate their anniversaries and the births of their children. Don’t be jealous of what they have. What they have has been given to them by God. If it were for you, He would have given you. Don’t be cynical about their love and companionship. Pray for them, that they will fix their sights on the giver of all good gifts. Celebrate other milestones with them. When they mourn, mourn with them. If their relationships are troubled or failing, be a source of comfort and succour.

To the married, I say, rejoice with those who are unmarried. Rejoice with us as we celebrate our milestones like birthdays, promotions, graduations, careers, and ministries. Don’t water down our celebrations by hinting that our joys cannot be full until we get married. Be comfort and succour when we are troubled and when our relationships fail. Mourn with us in our seasons of sorrow, but don’t pity us. We are blessed because God has blessed us. God is the God of both the single and the married. It is He who blesses some with the gift of marriage and others with the gift of singlehood.

So, when will I marry? I will marry only if and when God wants me to. When God brings a godly man into my life who wants to marry me, and who I want to marry, we will talk with our friends and family, go for premarital counselling, and fix a wedding date. Until then, I hope I will continue to make the most of the blessings of singlehood.

All of you that keep pestering me that you want to tie gele or eat jollof rice or starch and owho soup, I hope you will stop now. I hope you will let me dance my heart out at weddings in peace. I hope the ridiculous, though well-intentioned advice will stop coming.

Meanwhile, I have a proposition for you. I have been thinking. That gift you are saving for my wedding, just in case I never marry, could you give me a portion of that gift for my 35^th birthday? Typically, you give newlyweds to show love to them and support their new life together. I am building a new phase of my life as a single woman, and I have created a gift list. You could check it out here, or you could just ask for my account details and send something hoooge!