WHEN WILL I MARRY? (3)

 

Photo by Ümit Bulut on Unsplash

As I write this, I will be thirty-five years in a few days, and I have never been married. I am a qualified experienced single woman, and I can tell you that it is not easy to live as a single woman in today’s world. So many triggers, even from Christians. I cannot exhaust my experiences and thoughts about singlehood in one piece, nor can I claim that my experiences are universal and my thoughts and opinions infallible. But women experience singlehood differently from men. For instance, men are considered to be eligible as long as they are alive, but women are considered to have a “shelf-life,” tied to our “biological clock.” A bachelor is a man who is not and has never been married, regardless of his age, but a spinster is “an older woman beyond the usual age for marriage.” This is why in the high society or aristocratic era, when a young woman comes “of age” and is ready for marriage, she becomes a debutante. If you have read or watched period pieces like Pride and Prejudice, Downton Abbey or Bridgerton, you are familiar with the debutante ball, where the debutantes of that season are presented, after which suitors, bachelors, or widowers of all ages, start calling on them. If after several years of eligibility, usually between 18 and 25, a woman remains unmarried, whether because she does not receive any proposals or she turns them down, she becomes a spinster. She is “off the market.” I gather that these days, the cut-off mark is thirty-five. From age 27, a woman becomes a prayer point, and by her 35th birthday, she is pitiable. Any man who marries her is settling, and she must be eternally grateful to her rescuer.

Also, men are expected to be the “suitors,” the ones who initiate and pursue relationships, whether dating or courtship. They are the ones who decide when it is time to propose and get married. Traditionally, the men have the yam and the knife. They hold all the aces, women who break this order of things are suspicious. They could reduce their desirability and be seen as desperate, wild, or even promiscuous. Considerably, the pressure on single women is different from the pressure on single men.

However, there are two burning issues that I would like to address before I tell you about my plans for marriage.

1)      The infantilisation of single women

2)      Double standards or unrealistic expectations for single women

On the Infantilisation of Single Women

One day, this year, I was at home with my grandma, when a guest who had never met me came in. She greeted my grandmother first, and then turned to me, “Good evening ma.”

As I made to respond, my grandmother interjected, “She no be ma. Na girl she be, no be woman. Na my grandpikin. She neva marry.”

One time, someone was talking about her 50-year-old colleague who was “finally” getting married. “She is a very lovely girl o,” she said. “Thank God she is finally getting married.”

I asked if she was talking about the same person. She was. “But you said, ‘lovely girl’,” I queried.

“Yes,” the person emphatically responded. “She is a girl. She is not yet married, and she does not have any child.”

To some people, marriage or motherhood is what confers womanhood. Unmarried women are not eligible to be members of some churches’ women’s groups. When we dare say something about marriage, even biblical advice, some people are ready to pounce on us. “You are not married, so you don’t know how it is,” they say. When you say something about navigating singlehood, they call it a case of “The blind leading the blind.” Because we have neither husbands nor children, we ought to be clueless about these things, and our opinions, suggestions and advice are stupid. I recall one conversation where a very dear friend trying to explain why single women should not take advice from other single women said, “People who miss marriage in their 20s get frustrated with getting married.” When I responded that the only women who understand not getting married in the twenties are those who are single in their thirties or even forties, he asked me, “Is it a good experience? Is it something to aspire for?”

We are often mocked and disrespected. Some Christians even mock celibate priests who counsel their congregation on marriage, forgetting that our Lord Jesus did not consider marriage to be His priority when He was human, forgetting that Apostle Paul, who was inspired by the Holy Spirit to instruct the church about marriage, was not married.

Womanhood is the period in a human female’s life after childhood and adolescence. It is conferred by time, not marriage, pregnancy, or childbirth. Child marriage does not make a girl automatically become a woman. Neither does child- or teenage pregnancy. Just as married people can be ignorant and foolish, single women can be wise and knowledgeable. We are deserving of dignity and respect, just like everyone else.

On Double Standards for Single Women

Single women are typically held to the highest moral standards. Our singlehood, especially once we get to thirty, must be because of some moral failings. Of course, like every other human, we have our failings, our character flaws. We even know of “happily married” women with similar character flaws. But our case is different. We, single women, must be perfect. That is why our “body count” is a topical issue and pregnancy and divorce stain women in a way that they don’t stain men. Some go as far as virginity tests for women, but none for men. 

But it is not only about moral issues. We are held to the highest standards on amoral issues too, like cooking skills, keeping fit, body size, tone of voice, H-factor, fashion choices, demeanour, and personality type. We are judged about everything. If we love to go out, we are irresponsible, and if we don’t enjoy outings, we are proud. If we buy ourselves something expensive, we are wasteful, and we like cheaper things, we are not classy enough. If we have opinions, we are too opinionated and arrogant, and if we don’t, we are not smart and unable to hold intelligent conversations. If we pursue our career ambitions, we must be controlling and domineering, and if our dreams are simple, what are we bringing to the table? Could we be gold-diggers? If we dress fashionable, we are trying too hard, and if we indulge our fashion idiosyncrasies, we are unattractive. We are expected to perform for the male gaze and conform to the standards of desirability required by eligible men, even though the benchmark is unknown. And when we don’t, we are stereotyped, stigmatised, and treated as pariahs. We lose friendships, as we could be bad influences on our friends, married or single.

Photo by Nick Owuor on Unsplash

Oh yes, we cannot be happy. Single women must be unhappy. Even if we look happy and say that we are happy, we must be pretending. We must be miserable within. That’s why we are reminded at wedding ceremonies, “Don’t worry, your turn is coming.” And if we dance at the weddings of people younger than us, we must be dancing away our sorrows.

When will I marry? I will tell you about my plans for marriage in the next and final part of this piece. For now, though, reason with me. Marriage can be a beautiful gift. Singlehood is definitely a beautiful gift that many single women have not unwrapped because the people around us are convinced that our singlehood is a problem to be solved. Marrying young, marrying later, or not marrying at all are all valid options for a Christian woman. Stop exalting one godly path over another!