WHEN WILL I MARRY? (2)

Photo by Ion Fet on Unsplash

Singlehood is a beautiful gift, just like marriage is a beautiful gift. But this is not a popular opinion, even among Christians, that is why I need to answer the question “When will I marry?”

“Who gave you my number is sipping juice.” The popularity of this meme and other similar memes is reflective of the widespread perception of singlehood, especially female singlehood, in many parts of the world. Single women are often seen to be serving the punishment for their arrogance. Their selectiveness is interpreted not as discernment, but as pickiness. A woman sipping juice alone, while the couples around her cuddle must be miserable, right?

This narrative has made its way to the church too! Church testimonies abound of many who were delivered of the evil spirit that was preventing them from getting married. That is why I have been advised to go for deliverance, and I have received some recommendations on that too. There are also testimonies about how God has honoured the faithfulness and sacrifice of his children by blessing them with a life partner. Therefore, if marriage is the reward for good behaviour, and singlehood is something to be delivered from, then singlehood must be a punishment or curse.

The other day, someone was talking to me about her niece and said, “She is blessed. She has never been a prayer point, even concerning marriage. When it was time, she was in a sincere relationship. Before long, she was married. We did not need to raise prayer points for her.” Unlike people like me, who have been prayer points, to the point of tears for some people? I am not blessed? If I am not blessed, then what am I? Cursed?

Singlehood is rarely ever mentioned as a good and desirable state, and this narrative needs to change.

Caveat: If you are not a Christian, and if you do not believe in the inerrancy of the Scriptures, you may struggle with my answers, but I am sure you want to know when I will marry, so please, don’t leave me.

Anyone who teaches that singlehood is a curse or sign of abandonment by God is spreading deadly poison. It is not consistent with God’s Word. If you teach that when a woman is single beyond a certain age, it must be because of her bad character or demonic affliction, you are wrong. Your conclusion is based on a limited view of what constitutes blessings. You are denying the Word of God that calls this a gift. So, when you tell me to fast so that God will send me a husband, and that I should not stop fasting until the husband comes, or when you tell me to go for deliverance so that the evil spirit causing my persistent singlehood will be exorcised, you are telling me that the Apostle Paul was wrong when he called singlehood a gift.

Or is it not in your Bible? Have not seen or heard? It is written, “I wish that all of you were as I am. But each of you has your own gift from God; one has this gift, another has that. Now to the unmarried and the widows I say: it is good for them to stay unmarried, as I do” (1 Corinthians 7 vs 7 to 8).

If we worry that we have missed out on marriage or having children, and if we start to conjecture reasons for our status, then it means that we do not trust God to take care of us. I am learning that worry is a sign of unbelief. It means that we don’t trust that God loves us enough to be interested in the tiniest details of our lives. It means that we don’t trust that God’s words about having plans for us (Jeremiah 29), and about all things working together for good (Romans 8) are true! It reveals the wrong picture of God we have created over time, a God in our own image, not the uncreated God. This wrong view of God is not harmless. It makes us proud and lacking in compassion.

Two of the most “spiritually” minded yet offensive advice I have received on my “singleness” are:

1. Pick a day of the week to fast for God to send a husband, and don’t stop fasting until the husband comes

2. Go for deliverance to be set free from the evil spirit causing your “singleness”.

I will explain why I find them offensive, why I don’t think you should share such advice with the unmarried Christian adults you know, and why you should reject such advice if you get them as an unmarried person.

On Fasting for the Blessing of Husband

I will not be fasting for a husband. Have you seen anywhere in the Bible where someone was fasting for a husband? I have seen many examples and reasons for fasting in the Bible, including:

·         Expression of grief or mourning

·         Seeking God’s guidance

·         Seeking God’s deliverance

·         Expression of repentance and humility before God

·         Strengthening our prayer – making us more committed to praying.

·         Consecration for service

·         Expression of love for and worship of God

I do not see the place for fasting for a husband among these. Singlehood is not an affliction or sorry state to be delivered from. It is not a sin to repent of. It is not a reason to mourn. Why else would anyone be asking someone to fast for a husband unless they consider singlehood a problem? I would rather fast and pray for God’s will to be done in my life, for my life to glorify God’s name, for God’s will to be done on earth as it is done in heaven, for God’s kingdom to come, than for me to fast for a husband. I would rather spend my fasting and praying for those who have not heard the gospel, for those who have not believed, for the missionaries on the forefront of the battlefield for souls, for healing, for wisdom and strength, for God's mercy, for missing people to come back home, for God’s provision of daily bread and more.

I am not against praying for a husband or wife. It is good to desire a husband or a wife. Even if you want to sing for Jesus to “carry you dey go your husband house,” that’s your prerogative. Continue. I will sing and dance with you if the music is sweet. Fasting is different though. All that fervency that I have not expended for the critical things of life, to dedicate to “Oh Lord, give me husband?” It signals a type of desperation that is unholy. Maybe if I am conflicted about whether to marry a specific person, I can fast and pray, seeking God’s guidance.

The first time someone advised me to fast and pray for God to send me a husband was in 2009. I listened and was going to heed it, until a got a surprising prompt in my mind, “Have you finished seeking first the Kingdom of God and His righteousness?” If our lives are committed to God, why do we not trust that He takes care of us? The One who clothes the flowers and provides mates for animals, will He not provide a husband for someone who is created in His image and likeness if it so pleases Him? If you are busy with the Father’s business, He will take care of your business, and if He has not given any gift to you, it is either because it is not time, or it is not in His plan for you.

If you think I am wrong about this, I would be happy to engage you in the comments section below. What do I know? A single woman like me!

On Deliverance from the Evil Spirit of Singlehood

I do not need any deliverance or exorcism for a husband. How does someone see another person and think that they are possessed by demons because they are single? Is there any permutation or combination where such advice is not offensive?

I believe in the supernatural, and I agree that there are evil spirits too. But nowhere in the Bible do I see that a Christian was possessed by an evil spirit. Yes, God’s people were afflicted by the evil one, like Job, even tempted and shaken, like Peter, but the target was their faith. The devil wanted their faith to fail. The strategy is the same today. The devil creates real or imagined afflictions to distract us and sift us so that we can turn away from God. The devil can only tempt us to the extent that God grants permission. The prayer we need is that “Our faith will not fail.”

I belong to God. Jesus paid the ransom for my soul already. No evil spirit can determine how my life turns out. No ancestral spirit or generational curse has any hold over my life. The only spirit that possesses me is the Holy Spirit. Demons have no power over the Holy Spirit. When Jesus has set me free, how can an evil spirit hold me bound? When I received this advice in 2013, I nearly considered it because I wanted to be humble, but today I find it repulsive that I ever conceived or entertained such an appalling thought. I am thankful to God who forgives my foolishness and all the ways I have minimized Him. I did not need deliverance from singlehood then, and I do not need it now. What I need is for God to preserve my faith, strengthen my tired hands and feeble knees, provide for my needs, lead me not into temptation and deliver me from evil. Singlehood is not evil.

If you want to go for deliverance from the evil spirit that has put an ugly veil over your face, making potential suitors see you as an ugly old woman instead of someone beautiful and desirable, by all means, do it. It is your prerogative. And may God deliver you indeed, from desperation and confusion.

We must realize that God was not made for us. We were made for God. That’s the difference between idolatry and true worship. We have made idols out of marriage, especially husbands. That’s why I want the narrative about “singlehood” to change. Singlehood is rarely ever mentioned as a good and desirable state. Singles’ events in many churches are targeted at solving the problem of singlehood. We push single people towards desperation and ungodly marriages, instead of encouraging them to treasure the gift of singlehood and keep the faith.

Every time we surrender our lives to God, every time we ask that God has His way in our lives and pray that His will be done and that His name is glorified, we must trust that He hears and answers. When we do, we open ourselves up to receiving God’s best, and we become aware of the truth: that we are where God wants us to be, and we had better get to work making the best of it, touching lives and glorifying God, whether single or married.

But this piece is about when I will marry, so I will get to that point. When will I marry? TO BE CONTINUED.