SCARED (JOURNEY TO THE PAST 1)

 


I went back to the past to retrieve this note I shared on Facebook before my 24th birthday. This is the piece I wrote about the birthday I referred to in my article "Against Time." No edits, save for a few typos. I want you to read it the way I wrote it those many years ago.

It is seven+ hours to another birthday, and for the first time since I can remember, I am not ready for my birthday. For the first time, I am not celebrating. For the first time, I don't care about my usual birthday rituals and traditions. For the first time, I am scared!

For some people, twenty-four is young, and a small thing. But for me, it is a big thing. I don't know if I am ready to get older chronologically not because I am scared of big numbers, but because of the changes that creep in slowly as the clock ticks. By the time it's completely 365 days since last year's birthday, I would have lived for 8760 days, 210240 hours, 12614400 minutes, and 756864000 seconds. When you look at it like this, it's a whole lot, and I want a whole lot ahead for me. I wish time could go more slowly.

What am I scared of? I am scared of my dreams. There are so big, and I am so small. They overwhelm me. Will I have to defer them for long? Will they die? Will I have to bury them alive? I want them to live. I want them to move from my dreams to reality.

My life is not what I thought it would be last year. When I was sixteen, I thought of my 24th birthday, and what I am now is nothing close to what I imagined then. I shared this with a friend, and he counselled me not to worry about regrets. I told him that I have come to terms with all the mistakes I have made. Maybe that's not so true, but I am sure that I am in the process of coming to terms with them. I look at them as very important parts of my learning process. One thing I got out of all my mistakes was experience. And I couldn't have learned better any other way. So, it is not the past that shakes me. The past is past. It is the future that gives me the shivers.

The same friend assures me that opportunity will come for my dreams to be born. I know that opportunity will come; but will I recognize it? Will I be ready for it? It is not the world out there that frightens me. It is me that I am scared of. As small as I am, I have more power than I acknowledge and know of. I have potentials and dispositions (good and bad) that I have not discovered. The unknown part of me scares me. This is how I feel, and I have no explanation for it. Can we always explain all our feelings? Do we always know why?

I am not sad, so don't tell me to be happy. I know what sadness is, and I know that I am not sad. I am not excited either. What I am is SCARED.

I know I should be optimistic, and that there is light at the end of the tunnel, and that life is full of opportunities, and that Jesus loves me, and that I am a child of God, and so He is watching out for me. But there are many things I do not know, and for now, those are the things that frighten me the most. A very dear friend helped me realized that I am scared because I don't know how far I am from the light at the end of the tunnel. I don't know how close I am too. 

I am older. I can't stop time. I don't know what is in the future. I don't know many things. But I know some things. Even though this birthday is going to be different from all the others, even though I am not excited, even though I am scared, I will walk into it with my heads raised up, and my shoulders high: It is my birthday, and I am thankful to God that I have life and dreams. I will hold the things I know and enjoy them. I know that I am closer to the light, to the realization of my dreams, than I was yesterday. 


I will walk with my heads raised up and my shoulders high because I have hope. I believe in Jesus, and I know that He cares for me and my dreams. I am assured of His love, and I am confident that He holds my hands (sometimes He carries me). He will walk with me to face the unknown. And together, we will be victorious.

July 22nd, 2011



(Once upon a time, I was scared of getting older!)


Comments

Nancy Bawo said…
For a 24yr old, why were afraid of tomorrow? 😂
So, is the scared 24yr old feeling more courageous at 35?
22 July 2022 at 09:21
Efadel said…
Yup, she is 😁
22 July 2022 at 10:30
Ese Lami Afegbua said…
Aww reminds me of when I was in my late twenties,I had this exact fears. The fear of the unknown! Still do sometimes,I think it never really goes,it’s part of our human experience. But I’m thankful that we can turn to God and give it to him and trust that he has good plans for us and will always be with us through everything and focus on the present and our already settled future. The eternal and earthly one. I pray the lord fills you everyday with the assurance that he is able to make even your biggest dream materialize,after all, he is bigger!! Happy birthday Faith! May God bless you and keep you..❤️
22 July 2022 at 11:04
Anonymous said…
I completely relate to this.
I’m in my mid-late twenties and there’s a temptation to feel scared for exactly the same reasons. I already struggle with the idol of money and comfort. I’m replacing the fear with trust, hope and hard work. Ultimately, relying on my sovereign Father!
22 July 2022 at 13:10
Ben Diagi said…
completely relate to this.
I’m in my mid-late twenties and there’s a temptation to feel scared for exactly the same reasons. I already struggle with the idol of money and comfort. I’m replacing the fear with trust, hope and hard work. Ultimately, relying on my sovereign Father!
22 July 2022 at 13:10
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